Letters to Country Music Artists: Blake Shelton

Dear Blake,

I don't mean to call you a liar or anything, but I was just listening to your song "Hillbilly Bone" against my will and I have to say, I want to meet your friend.  You know, the one who grew up in New York City, has never had grits and greens, and has never been south of Queens?

Having just recently returned from a trip to NYC, where I'm starting to get more comfortable with the various boroughs and lay of the land, I had a strong desire to look at a map when I heard the "never been south of Queens" line, because I was confused as hell.  And just as I suspected.

That yellow blob is Queens.  It's north (or at the very least, northeast) of Brooklyn!  Brooklyn, were it a separate city, would be the United States' 4th largest city.  So seriously, Blake?  You have a fancy pants city business man friend who has never been to Brooklyn?  Lower Manhattan is technically south of the adjacent area of Queens.  Really Blake?  Let's meet this guy.  I want to buy him a Metro card.

I suspect, Blake Shelton, that you were merely going for the easy rhyme.  Grits and greens, south of Queens.  Yeah.  You are so lazy.  There were so many other choices that not only could have been more geographically believable, but would have expressed your Hillbilly Boning with better imagery.

For example:

He's never tipped a cow
He won't leave Midtown

He's never lit a fart
He has a view of the Park

He's new to wife-slappin'
He lives in Manhattan

So many choices, Blake.  So many.  I'm disappointed in you for swinging at the easy pitch.

Sincerely,

Jane