On Praise and Blame

She wanted someone to tell her what to do, just so long as they were telling her to do what it was she wanted to do. A collaborator in her actions. Someone to blame if it was the wrong thing; someone who would remember that she had made a good decision if it turned out okay.

I had a completely different direction in mind for this conversation until I found my Wurdi friend's unsympathetic ramble parked in my feed reader this morning.  I'm so glad you're back, Ima. 

You see, my head's been a little full for the last few weeks, stuffed with a couple of conversations I've wanted to have with people in my life but couldn't figure out how to start.  I still can't, really.  And at times, it feels silly to even try.  With all the hate out there, I have no interest in putting more negativity into the universe.  It's stopping the negativity, halting the course that a relationship is headed, that I'm aiming for.  And I'm not sure how to get there.

I have control issues.  I know I do.  I own it.  But I have quirky control issues.  There are so many times and so many issues where I can just sit back and let go and watch things tumble around and not be bothered at all by it.  Times when I enjoy having no control whatsoever.  And then there's yesterday when I used a new messaging application because it was easier on somebody else than what I normally use, and I almost had a total meltdown from the shiny blinky differentness of it.

Something about Ima's closing lines on that blog post struck a loud resounding chord in me, pinned down what I think is the exact reason that I have been feeling angsty about a couple of situations.  It's because I recognized this issue months ago and I tried to take control of my emotions regarding it and I only got halfway through the solution.  I didn't see it fully.

I told a story this weekend about credit and blame and when I told this story, it never clicked that I am potentially reliving that story all over again, and not adjusting my actions in any way.  And now thinking about it even more, I am mentally tying it into last fall's big long rant about my offline and online lives, which condenses down to mostly just this:

Where it becomes a problem for me is when you decline positive interaction with me and embrace negative interaction.

Yes.  YES. 

Since I wrote that piece, I've come to realize some things about people.  Some people are not capable of praise, giving credit where it's due, or positive reinforcement.  Those people are often the first to lay blame on somebody else, however, the first to point out the negative thing that is definitely not their fault at all.  And while it's easy for many to tell me to just walk away, to just exit the relationship, it's not that cut and dried.  There will always be people that I can't just walk away from - business contacts, family members, people that have some essential role in my life who have this overwhelmingly negative outlook on life that I just can't avoid dealing with.

Where I've come halfway in dealing with it is to accept that dearth of positivity, to learn to function without ever getting credit, praise, or appreciation for anything.  Trust me when I say that I have dealt with that, I really am okay with it.  I understand that it's not about me, it hasn't diminished what I have done or will continue to do.  I don't take it personally.

And yet?  I continue to take the negativity, the blame, personally.  I continue to let myself get bothered by the negative comments from a person who has never had anything positive to say to me.  Halfway, my friends.  I've only come halfway.  So this is my new creed:  For all of the interactions in my life where I have accepted the lack of positive interaction, realized it will never change, and adjusted my expectations, I will strive to get better at ducking the negative swings.  If I don't ever get praise, I won't accept your criticism either.  If it is my fault when things go wrong, then it's my credit when things go right too.  There must be balance, or I will just flip that switch, I will turn off your ability to affect me at all.  I'm capable of it, I've proven that a lot lately.  Try me.

On Monday night, I told a friend the story that sparked that rant.  (Did you read it?  Because if you're new to this site or new to my life, I highly recommend reading it even though it's deathly long.)  And then I told the stories that resulted in my clowns in my coffee.  Also good reads if you're looking to get a better feel for who I am as a human on this planet and what my goals are for dealing with other humans.  So if we've gotten to this point and you're wondering if this is about you and you read that big long post that said I always name names and I don't do the vague references thing and you STILL aren't sure?  Remember earlier when I said that I was having trouble starting the conversations?  Halfway through writing this, I started them.  So if we aren't already talking about this via other forms of communication, before you read this post, this isn't about you.  But if you learn something from it anyway, something that enriches our interactions, then I'm happy.

I'm not pushing this one out to the social media world to breadcrumb anybody back here.  I'm happy enough to have hit publish.  Peace, my friends.