Fan Letters to Country Music Artists: Jaron and the Long Road to Love

Dear Jaron,

Wikipedia tells me that you're half of the former Evan & Jaron, which I sort of remember from like high school or something.  You're now recording under the name "Jaron and the Long Road to Love".  Wikipedia doesn't mention any other bandmates, so I can only assume you're going for a pretentious douchenozzle sort of thing with that.  Good for you.

So last night, I heard your debut on the country charts.  "Pray for You".  I heard it from about the middle of the first verse on, and I kept waiting for the thing that would make it okay, that would make me understand what you were going for with this song, the line that would take it from serious to parody, and it never quite hit.

For the first time ever, I'm going to post the entirety of the lyrics in one of my letters.

I haven't been to church since I don't remember when
Things were goin' great 'til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can't go hatin' others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are honey, I pray for you

I'm really glad I found my way to church
'Cause I'm already feelin' better and I thank God for the words
Yeah I'm goin' take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messin' up and I'll keep prayin' for you

I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with his and her tattoos
I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true

Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car, wherever you are honey, I pray for you.

I pray for you

So I shouldn't say that I didn't know what you were going for, I guess I expected something more.  Some verse or bridge that redeemed this and it never happened.  You were going for the same thing the person who came up with this "joke" was going for:

DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN.

Do some of you recognize that?  From when you posted it as your Facebook status?  If so, do you recognize that you and I are no longer Facebook friends?  Okay then.

I'm with Shakesville on this one.

It's yet another example of what is so very wrong with our society: that "jokes" about wishing for (praying for, wev) the death of someone--anyone--is seen as funny and normal and people who take issue with the inherent violence of it are seen as the ones with a problem. That people who are concerned about violence being entertainment and funny (which jokes are supposed to be, are they not?) are the ones who should be shamed into silence for being "not fun" or "killjoys".

That's something I would like the Christians and Conservatives in my life to stew on for a little bit.  I'm not even going to clarify it to mean "some" Christians and "some" Conservatives, because fuck it.  Let's face it.  Those of you that this doesn't apply to already know it, because you are as appalled as I am.  And to those of you who giggled at the death wish for our President, or nodded your head along to the snappy tune about praying for violence against women, you have no idea who you are or that this applies to you.  You're clueless.  I've been taking the heat from you for every move that Nancy Pelosi makes.  I've been listening to your party and your religion's batshit crazy ranting about my lack of morals for so long.  I would just like you to look at this shit.  Is this really what you want to represent you?  Your deity?  Your beliefs?  Because as much as my loose morals and godless socialism seem to encapsulate the entire Democratic party to you - this is what you look like to me most days.

I'm sorry, pals.  I'm sorry, Jaron.  It's not my desire to kiss women that is ruining this country.  It's not my friends who are having children outside the bounds of marriage, monogamy, or ownership of a uterus.  It's not my desire to see the poor and marginalized have access to healthcare.  It's not even my belief that a woman's body is hers to do with what she pleases - even if it means she's having an abortion or not getting raped by Ben Roethlisberger.  These aren't the things that are destroying our society.

It's you.  It's your deluded idea of what your god is.  It's your self-righteous belief that your bigotry, your racism, your homophobia, and your BIG UGLY HATE are okay because of your Jesus, your folded hands, and your condescending offers to pray for the rest of us sinners, because you know so much better than the rest of us.  Because you have that direct line to the spirit in the sky that has an itchy finger, just waiting to zap the people you ask him to destroy.

You want to know why I left the church?  The hate.  Pure and simple.  You want to know why the road to love is so long, Jaron?  YOU'RE ON THE WRONG ROAD.

I refuse to believe in any god that you think would listen to your hate-filled prayers.

Love,

Jane